So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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