How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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