hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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