Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
