did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Two words: blizzard sex
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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