Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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