it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
