just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
