I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
3 2 1 whiskey
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
