Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
