Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
