It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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