If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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