Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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