He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
