so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
