tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
