just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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