just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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