bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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