I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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