we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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