The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
