I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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