my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
