I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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