my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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