And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
