It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
