oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
