I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
