I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
