my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
