At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
