mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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