oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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