You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
