she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
