The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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