***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
