Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
