I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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