I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
