My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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