I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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