We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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