I can't watch pbs sober anymore
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
