life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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