I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
