OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
