I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
and you fell through a lawn chair
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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