All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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