I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
