Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
