I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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