We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
