Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
